The Mom Life

Being a mom is awesome - mostly.

Let me say it this way... on a whole, the Mom Life is worth the tears, the pain of childbirth (and the weeks following... you know, when you can't pee without crying or "other things" without feeling like you are giving birth all over again), the fear of screwing up your child so badly they will never enter the adult world confidently or maybe even at all, the temper tantrums for only God knows why, the frustrations of packing the friggin' car with all the crap you need for your kid the first time they stay overnight with someone else, the lack of sleep you get the first couple months... and then the lack of sleep you get for the rest of your life, the puke in your hair and your new permanent cologne "Eau de Barf" (I don't think I'll ever smell sexy again), the getting peed on, the poops during bath time, the annoying screeches coming from your angry baby while you are TRYING to finally get something done around your horribly filthy home, and everything in between. The Mom Life is so worth it.

However, these past two days of Mom Life have been horrible. Our baby is teething. You other moms out there know exactly what I'm talking about when I say "horrible" due to teething. He's cut his first tooth which is so stinkin' cute (and sharp)! I'm pretty sure he's working on the one right next to it now. Basically, nothing makes him happy currently. He's hungry, but he throws a fit when we give him his "ba". He wants to play, so we go to play and he throws a fit. He wants to sleep, but refuses naps and bedtime. He wants to crawl (but he can't) so we try and he throws a fit. He wants to be outside so we go play in the grass or go for a walk and he throws a fit. When I say "throws a fit" I mean, my six month old son will grab and scratch at my face, smack me, kick, push me away, arch his back, and scream this raspy, horrible, guttural screech that sounds like he's being exorcised by a priest. It's horrible. You can only take this with loving tenderness and understanding for so long before you start to get past the point of irritation and lose any grip on reality you may have left after living on caffeine and snack bars for the past 6 months.

After days like this, I so need encouragement that I'm not the only mother in the world who has had to put her sweet child (who has turned into a nightmare) in his crib during these fits and go on the other side of the house to curl into the fetal position in the corner and just cry it out myself. However, more often in those moments, what you're met with is judgement and "encouragement" to go be a better mom and be whatever your son needs in that moment.

The Mommy Club is beating me up a bit and I keep hearing all sorts of "this is what you should do" statements - many of which conflict - it's hard to know what to believe. So I picked up this book on parenting that our church gave us when we had our baby dedication. I'm only a few chapters in and already I can breathe a sigh of relief. I'M NOT A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!

I feel so encouraged by something I read in this book recently, I felt the need to shout it from the rooftops for all of the other struggling parents out there who just feel like they need to survive the next 18 years and pray to God that their kid doesn't end up in jail. We parents are told time and time again that the things we do or don't do, say or don't say will directly determine the outcome of our child's happiness and effectiveness in their adult life. That system works great when they get great grades and make the football team and go to college and become a doctor and find the cure for cancer and teach and entire tribe in Africa about Jesus during his extra time for mission work... I'd love to look at a child like that and say, "The reason he is so wonderful is because I was the world's greatest mother. I never let him cry it out, I always said encouraging words and never lost my temper with him, I always built his self esteem and we never punished his 'misbehavior', etc. So the reason he is the man he is today is not because he is responsible for his decisions in life, but because I AM responsible for those decisions in his life."
 However, that system completely fails when you have to go pick him up from the nurses office in 4th grade for fighting on the playground, he comes home with D's in algebra and biology in middle school, he decides he wants to hang out with the skaters instead of going out for the football team, he gets caught smoking pot his senior year, he flunks his first year of college, then he decides to quit school and work at McDonald's for the rest of his life. Taking the full responsibility for his actions as a parent in this situation sucks. It brings an enormous amount of guilt with it.

Hear me...

"The only perfect parent there is or ever will be creates two children who disobey his first instruction. What, pray tell, did God do wrong that caused his first kids such pronounced obedience issues? Freud might have said that Eve resented that Adam was created first, that he was obviously the favored child. Tempting Adam to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge was an expression of this resentment, a passive-aggressive means of lowering Adam's image in God's eyes. Grandma would have scoffed at this. She knew there was no psychology behind the Fall. It happened because human beings possess what animals do not: freedom of choice, including the freedom to choose wrongly. If  a perfect God could not raise children who were perfectly obedient, what chance do you have?" (Parenting By the Book by John Rosemond).

You may have your criticisms of what I'm saying or this quote or something, but I'd encourage you to not just take this tiny piece and judge whether its good or bad or biblical, rather go read the book and then decide!

Basically, it comes down to this... Do I want peace or turmoil in child rearing? I want peace. These next two quotes gave me a lot of peace:

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

"No matter how good a parent you are, your child is still capable on any given day of doing something despicable, disgusting, or depraved." (Parenting By the Book by John Rosemond).

That second quote doesn't contradict the first and it doesn't absolve parents of responsibility in the way they train up their children. But it is encouragement that, hey - even if you are the world's greatest parent, your kids won't be perfect. They will do something stupid in their life and that doesn't mean you are entirely to blame. No matter how you raise your child, the responsibility of their decisions still rest on them. They are responsible for the decisions they make, but YOU are responsible for training them up in the way that they should go.

I'm not trying to act like I have this parenting thing down. I have a 6 month old baby and sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. Any knowledge I have to share definitely doesn't come from my little brain, but from the perfect intellect of the Lord and what he's revealed to me through his Word.

So basically, I know nothing of being a mother. I'm just a woman who loves God, loves my husband, and loves my baby. I don't want to be the world's greatest mother and wife... I want to have a heart that loves God beyond anything that makes sense. In loving God completely, He'll make sure I'm a good mom to my kids and a good wife to my husband. My eyes just need to be on loving the Lord.

How AWESOME would our world be if all of us believers decided we just wanted to have our sole focus be on loving Jesus beyond anything that makes sense?! Want to join me in this revolution?

Dark Night of My Soul

This year has been one big roller coaster of emotions for my husband and I. God has been giving and taking away and until recently, I haven't had a clue what He's doing. I've been dealing with lots of frustration toward the Lord. I know that God is not a God of confusion, but I was starting to wonder if that was true about his character anymore.

2012 has been the darkest night of my soul. God has been so silent. Our world has been shaken and yet God has not revealed himself. I think the question I've asked most this year is, "Where are you Lord?" However, I'm learning that sometimes, God is doing his greatest work in us when he seems furthest away. I think that's because if we could see how God was working, we would want to step in and make changes or we'd run ahead of him, thinking we know where he's headed. We are such control freaks. I think that's why God sometimes shuts off the lights, closes the doors, and quits speaking so that he can do his work and we can stay out of the way.

This year alone, we've dealt with death, life, infertility, pregnancy, a new career, the loss of two jobs, unsteady paychecks, loss of our health insurance at 5 months pregnant, being homesick for the east coast... just to name a few. This year has been unbelievable and terrifying to say the least. This year, I have asked more times than I can count, "Where are you, Lord?" God has been silent.

Last week, we found out the company who writes our paychecks and manages our health insurance dropped us. I have yet to get paid on this pay period. Our rent is due. I'm 5 months pregnant without health insurance. We took a deep breath and were resolved on not worrying and just waiting on God. After all, Josh had his job and he was getting paid that weekend - we could cover half of our rent on time and have a little bit of cash to get some groceries to tide us over. We also had a family vacation over the weekend in Savannah, Georgia that wasn't costing us a dime. At least, for the weekend, we'd get a break from stress. We came home Monday after a very fun and busy weekend with the family only to hear the next morning that Josh lost his job. We had barely been surviving on both of our incomes and the rug had suddenly been pulled from under our feet. Every security blanket in our life -  my steady income, our second income, health insurance - had all been taken from us within a matter of 5 days.

Our first instinct was that God had orchestrated all of these events to run us out of town and we could move back to the east coast where life had been much more comfortable for us. However, something in my spirit just didn't feel released from our ministry here. I was so angry and frustrated with the Lord on Tuesday. How could He allow this to happen at this time? What was He trying to pull here? Why wouldn't He just let us leave? WHY ARE YOU SO SILENT, LORD?! Josh and I decided yesterday, when our world came crashing down around us, that we needed to get out of our situation. We needed to get out of town for the evening, get away from the distractions of bills, phones, hurt, fear, and questions and take time to seek God. We needed to get out of our own perspective and gain a God's eye view on our situation. We packed a bag and with help from a godsend, we went to Sacramento for the night.

It was a two and a half hour drive and most of the drive was dead silent except for the radio giving us background noise. My head was swimming and I'm sure Josh's was too. Silence and a few quiet tears filled our car. I noticed that every single song that came on over the radio for those two and a half hours had to do with storms in our lives, trusting God when it's hard, not giving up or running away. The car was silent, but God's voice was so loud I could hardly bear it. This was not the answer I had been hoping for. Living an "easy" Christian life sounds so good to me. We could move to a city where we felt more at home, we could go to church on Sundays and serve every now and again but not give every ounce of our lives to it, we could be good people and start living the life we've been dreaming about. I want THAT life. I want THAT story. I want THAT path.

That is not our life. That is not our story. That is not our path.


It breaks my heart to accept that the dreams I have for our life together may never come to pass. It breaks my heart to accept that God may never allow me to sit and rest. It breaks my heart that I can't just settle for a comfortable life.

As we sat in our hotel room last night, we resolved that while we don't understand everything, we aren't sure if this is a spiritual attack or God's orchestration, we know one thing. We know that God is speaking and we need to listen.

Josh and I have allowed ourselves to become so bogged down by our troubles, by our circumstances, that we have been very unhappy lately. We've begun to equate our unhappiness with our physical location instead of seeing that it was a state of mind. Our focus had shifted from the calling and ministry God had set before us here in Fernley, Nevada to our own wants and our own desires - even our own needs. Because of this, we have become unhappy, discontent, verging on the edge of bitter and complacent. Therefore, we haven't been allowing God to use us which is really the source of our discontentment.

We are here until God says move. And we need to not just physically be here, going through the motions, but our hearts need to be here, our minds need to be here, our passions need to be here, our love needs to be here. God has not called our bodies to this physical location. He has called our hearts, our souls, our minds, and our strengths to this town and we have forsaken that calling.

For this, I am ashamed. I am sorry, Lord.

We asked the Lord to instill in us a new heart, a new passion, a new love for Fernley. We asked the Lord to give us new eyes to see the lost and hurting here. We asked for a new mindset and a new fervent desire to be here. We don't want to "wait it out" until God allows us to leave. We want to be 100% in love with God's calling - the good, the bad, the ugly, the painful, the scary. We want our hearts to break over the thought of leaving Fernley when God calls us to move on.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up. Galatians 6:9

We will not run and we will not entertain the thought of living a different life anymore.

Please join us in prayer. Prayer for God's direction and will in our lives. We don't want to pray for what we think is the best solution, we just want to pray for God to place our feet and guide our steps. We know He will take care of us... His eyes is on the sparrow.

Why should I feel discouraged 
Why should the shadows come 
Why should my heart be lonely 
And long for heaven and home 

When Jesus is my portion 
A constant friend is he 
His eye is on the sparrow 
And I know he watches me 
His eye is on the sparrow 
And I know he watches me 

Lord, let our hearts burn for you. Let us not grow tired of doing the good you have called us to. Give us a new strength, a new mind, a new heart, and a new love for this city. Give us your eyes to see the harvest and a resolve to persevere to the end. Our lives are yours and we are sorry for ever thinking differently. Our selfish ambition is not from you, God we rebuke that and take on a new path, a new road, a new goal, a new ambition - to please you and you alone. May the desires of your heart for our lives become the desires of our hearts. Wreck us, Lord. Let your will be done. More of you and less of us, Jesus.

Why I'm not watching Magic Mike...

So practically every woman I know has been talking about going to see Magic Mike, a movie about male strippers, one in particular "Mike", trying to make his way in life, only to find real love. I have to say, the entire premise of this movie makes me sick to my stomach. Not because a man finds himself leaving a lifestyle of imitation love for the real thing, but because the imitation love is glorified.

Why is it considered wrong for Christian men to ogle women they aren't married to and/or engage in pornographic material, yet so many Christian women think it's okay to if they do it through "harmless fun" like Magic Mike? Talk about a double standard. We can make a number of excuses for this like, "It doesn't affect me that way" or "I can look and still be faithful". Maybe you aren't married so "looking" doesn't seem like a problem at all, but I think even if you don't have a husband to be faithful to, you have a God to be faithful to and obey.

Maybe you don't think movies like Magic Mike are true pornography. Maybe that sounds a little harsh. Here's the definition of pornography...

"printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings."

I'm pretty sure that definition could also be plot description of Magic Mike.

Let me tell you ladies, I can't honestly say that God would be so proud with my decision to go see a movie that revels in revealing men mostly or completely naked engaging in acts of promiscuity, whether I think it affects me or not.

Whatever happened to "flee from sexual immorality"? How does that not apply to entertainment like Magic Mike? As Christian women, most of us wouldn't be caught dead inside a male strip club. How is this different? We're watching the same thing, just in a cinema instead of a smokey room.

I want to be faithful to my husband, not just in my actions, but in my thoughts. I expect my husband to take delight in my body alone - I choose to take delight in his body alone. Movies like this are definitely tools of the enemy. They seem like no big deal, just some innocent fun looking at a few hot guys in a movie for 2 hours, but engaging in this kind of entertainment can inflict damage on our relationship with the Lord, our relationship with our children, our relationship with our husband or our future husband.

It affects our relationship with God because sin drives a wedge between us and God. We are commanded to flee from sexual immorality (any kind of sex outside the boundaries of marriage).

It affects our relationship with our children because the example they see from their mother is that men are an object to lust after and as a Christian, that's okay. Little boys hear messages that women are to be cherished yet see that men are to be objectified and little girls are SEEING the message that it's okay to use men for pleasure.

It affects our relationship with our husband or future husband because we made a promise to take delight in him alone, to forsake all other men, yet we send him the message that we find other men more sexually attractive than him, that he is not enough to meet our needs.

Christian women... let's stand up for what's right in God's eyes together. Let's put our families first together. Let's protect our marriages together. Let's not watch Magic Mike together.

God has some style...

I haven't written anything in a couple months - think I should probably update everyone.

I just re-read my last blog entry and cried a little. It's so powerful to remind myself of all the good God has brought out of this unfortunate situation. I almost can't believe it! I hope as you read this post today, you will feel encouraged that God DOES care about you, your life, and how you live it. God IS faithful to answer our prayers, even if it's not what we want to hear. God WILL keep his promises and give you the desires of your heart in accordance to His will and time. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn, but I think I'm starting to get it.

Over a year. Over a year, Josh and I have been trying to start a family and for over a year, we have had no after no after no. It's hard to understand, and possibly it's an overreaction, but each month we received a no felt like the death of a child that could have been. Each month has been a complete roller coaster and each month has been filled with heartbreak, crushed dreams, and grieving. Lots of grieving.

I have to tell you, I don't understand WHY God works the way He does, but do I really need to? Just because I don't understand how exactly a car works, well, it still works whether I understand exactly how or not. I think God is the same way. Just because we don't fully understand God and how he operates, doesn't mean he isn't working in our lives. And let me tell you, God really likes to do things with style.

March 8th came and I almost forgot about it. How I almost forgot about the day we would find out if we were expecting the love of our life to be on the way, I don't know, but I almost forgot about it. I unwrapped the pregnancy test and did my thing. I waiting the standard 3 minutes, not daring to look until it was ready, only to find another no. I convinced myself that since my period had not yet arrived, this test could be giving me a false-negative. I resolved to try again in the morning (which was a painstakingly LONG time away).

It hurt tremendously. I was heartbroken. Another month, another no and more silence. My parents were supposedly hearing "soon" from the Lord and that just ticked me off. If he had something to say about this situation, he COULD say it to me! I suppose it didn't really dawn on my that my ears weren't open to hear Him at the time.

This month, the grieving was a shorter process. I went to my doctor and she decided to put me on a diabetes medication called metformin to help with my blood sugar along with the clomid I was already on. It seemed to be working. The metformin helped me lose 15 pounds along with swimming everyday. I was starting to feel better - then they upped my meds. After a week of being miserably sick, I called my nurse and said, "Look - it's kind of hard to get in the mood to make a baby when I can't keep anything down. Can we make an adjustment or a change to help with this?" Thankfully, they cut my meds back to a lower dosage and I felt much better. I was a little worried I wouldn't get pregnant if they remained this low, but I wasn't going to get pregnant if I stayed on them at that level either! Needless to say, I was a little discouraged.

*This next section may be a little too much information and I've debated whether or not to share it. Skip it if you'd rather, but I think this is such an important part of the story - a huge glimpse into the power of God, I'd risk a little embarrassment to let his power shine.*

The weekend came and I was ovulating so it was time! Unfortunately, our weekend was so packed, I was worried we wouldn't have any time to take advantage of the situation. We made time on Saturday and the ideal plan was to "make time" the next two days following. However, life would not allow it.

I received a call Sunday morning that my mom was taking her little puppy, Clair, to the emergency vet. She was unbelievably sick. I didn't think too much about it, just thought they'd fix her up and bring her home that afternoon, so I went ahead and went to church, then ran home to change before going we left for family dinner with mom (dad was in Israel). While I was at home, I received a call from the vet. Apparently, I was the emergency contact for Clair. The nurse told me the doctors took Clair into surgery and now were taking extreme measures to keep her alive. She was crashing on the table and they wanted to know whether or not to keep trying. I told them to keep that dog alive until they talked to my mother. Josh and I hopped in the car, called my mom's best friend, and we all met her at her house. She was a complete wreck. Clair, not even 2 years old yet, died. It was such a disaster! My dad wasn't even in the country or in this hemisphere! I spent the rest of the evening with my mom and by the time I got home, we were so completely exhausted and heartbroken we went straight to bed. No time to "make time".

The next morning I got up and took another ovulation test to see if we still had a shot at making this baby - it was a no go. I only ovulated 48 hours. We missed our window! Yeah we had ONE chance at it, but I knew that even if you have sex as much as possible during ovulation and surrounding ovulation, you still only have a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant that month? And that is for perfectly FERTILE men and women! So what were our chances? Slim to none.

*END OF TMI SECTION*

Disappointed, but dealing with it, I resolved that this month just wouldn't be our month. It wasn't going to happen for us this month. I mean scientifically speaking, we had such a small percentage of a chance of conceiving it almost wasn't even worth spending the $15 on a test. So, when testing day (April 8th) rolled around, I wasn't going to.

April 7th came - the night before Easter - and I decided late that night that I needed a pregnancy test for the in morning. I wasn't going to waste the money, I didn't have the regular "symptoms of pregnancy" that I convince myself existed each month, but I wanted to test. I knew the answer, not sure why I was planning on torturing myself, but I would sit there and wonder if I didn't just take the test.

6:00 AM came all too quickly. I crawled out of bed and made my way back to the bathroom. I unwrapped a test while I was still mostly asleep and used it. This time, I decided to watch the test instead of wait the 3 minutes. They tell you not to because before the 3 minutes are up, there's usually only 1 line (not pregnant) and they don't want you to get discouraged and throw it away before it processes fully. Before I could even set the test on the side of the tub, my eyes started deceiving me. I SWEAR I saw 2 lines! Faded, but they were definitely there! Then those puppies turned the hottest shade of pink - BOTH of them!! I couldn't believe it! I stood up and immediately collapsed to my knees, bursting into tears! My heart was singing and the only words that would come out of my mouth for the next hour were, "THANK YOU LORD! THANK YOU LORD! THANK YOU LORD!" The tears would not stop! My mouth could not be silenced! My heart was leaping out of my chest! I took my shower and went in to wake my husband with the test. We spent the next 10 minutes embracing with tears streaming down our faces! God has heard our prayers! God has given us the desire of our heart! God WILL keep his promises!

The verse that wouldn't leave my head that day was Psalm 113:9, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!"

On Resurrection Sunday, God resurrected our hopes, our dreams, and my body! You can't tell me the guy doesn't have some style!

I have to encourage those who are struggling to get pregnant - the wait doesn't seem so long when it's over. I know it hurts now, I know it feels like an eternity, but just hold on, my friend. Just hold on to the One who is enough. Even if your answer doesn't look the same as mine, He is enough! I truly believe that the reason we struggled for so long to have a child is because God needed me to BELIEVE, not just know that HE is all I need. I thought I believed that before, but now I see. Hang on, my friend. Just hang on.

YOU ARE GOOD! Even if we are not. YOU ARE FAITHFUL! Even if we abandon you. YOU ARE ENOUGH! Even if we don't see it. YOU ARE WORKING! Even if we don't understand it. YOU ARE LOVE! Even if we can't feel it. YOU ARE PEACE! Even if we don't accept it. YOU ARE LORD! And let us remember that.

Prayer is a funny thing...

God is a funny guy... just when you think He's ignoring you, He sends a message that leaves you facedown on the floor. Here's my story...

Another month, another no. We've been trying to conceive for over a year now with no luck. About seven months in, I got a little antsy and went to the doctor only to find there was a reason we weren't getting pregnant. That was frustrating, but so good to know! We were on the road to fertility and everything was looking good. Here we are 6 months later with still no child to hold. Just a hope of a dream that one day, God would choose to bless us and trust us with a life to nurture, love, and develop into a God-loving, kingdom-minded, amazing and beautiful individual. I dream of that day, but lately I've done a great job of convincing myself that our dream may only ever be just that... a dream. 

I have been really angry with God. Don't misunderstand - I know God isn't torturing me. I know God can only act in love. I know that he has an amazing plan for my life, our marriage, and the life of our future children. I know his timing is best. I'm just not happy that his plan for my life doesn't look like mine... pretty childish to be upset over that, but it's the truth. I may not be the perfect Christ follower, but I'm an honest one. I have asked God for this good thing, the desire of my heart, this blessing that, as I've been told, He cannot wait to pour out on me, yet he denies me. What's up with that? 

Yesterday I had a one sided conversation with Him. I told him that I trust him, but that I'm angry. I told him I didn't understand why 16 year old babies could have babies of their own, but I wasn't allowed to yet. I told him that I was mad and didn't like his idea of timing, but that I trusted it was much better than my own. I told him that I didn't understand why he wouldn't bless me, but that I would trust his decision anyway (not that he needed my approval or anything). I told him I needed relief from this weight and it didn't feel like He was lifting my burdens like He promised he would. I reminded (as if he need it) him that he allowed Moses to change his mind, and told Him I thought he should consider letting me change his mind too. I also asked him to grow my faith. I just wanted to hear something from him - anything! If my motives were wrong in wanting this baby, just let me know! If there's sin in my life, show me! If there's areas of my heart I have withheld, take them! After my ranting and raving yesterday, I didn't feel much better and I decided to settle with the idea that God may not give me the answer I want. I may not hear him right now. He may choose to be silent today, for whatever reason, and I would have to live with that. 

Today was a much better day that yesterday. For some reason I had a little more peace. I didn't feel any better about getting another "not yet" from him, but I also wasn't a complete disaster today. 

I started to prepare for my girls bible study tonight. I already did the reading, but decided I need to revisit our reading to really get it into my head. Funny enough - for no particular reason at all except that it has 5 chapters - I assigned James as the reading last week. God has a real sense of humor... or maybe just perfect timing and infinite knowledge. 

Over and over again, James says to PERSEVERE through our trials so that our faith may grow to maturity, to HUMBLE ourselves before God, to SUBMIT to him (our sins, our hopes, our dreams, our desires), and to PRAY PRAY PRAY for if I do those things THEN pray, my prayers will be powerful and effective because I will be considered righteous in the eyes of God according to His Word! 

God listened yesterday and then answered me today. He's giving me just what I asked for - a faith that grows. He just asks me to let go of my pride, submit to his will for me, and pray - ask him for my heart's desire. Man, I needed this today. I was on the doorstep of giving up and letting go. I didn't think I could handle one more month of disappointment and I was ready to give up on trying all together when God swooped in and gave me some relief! THANK YOU LORD! THANK YOU LORD! YOU ARE GOOD AND YOUR LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS ENDURE FOREVER!

So if you feel like I do, just remember - perseverance produces maturity in our faith, humble yourself before God, submit your life to His ways, and PRAY PRAY PRAY for the prayers of the righteous are POWERFUL AND EFFECTIVE! God is faithful to answer our prayers. He will give us the desires of our heart in accordance to His will and His time. I am not the center of God's universe... Lord, forgive me for thinking that. Give me the discipline to make you the center of my universe. 

Your mercies are new each day - thank you Lord! Make my heart steadfast in chasing hard after you!

-Lyndsay

"If you're going through hell, keep going..." Sir Winston Churchill

This is Fall Retreat 2011...

This past weekend, our team of youth leaders took 14 teenagers on a trip up to Lake Tahoe... I don't think any of us were expecting to make so many memories, have so much fun, or hear God so clearly! There's something about hanging out with teenagers for a weekend that makes you get it... ya know? Get what having a good time is all about, get what letting your cares and worries go is all about, get what excitement for the Lord is all about... I can't understand why more people don't want to work with teenagers!

Our theme this year was "Saturate - what fills your heart will lead your life" and the first night we got up there, everyone was super hyper and was having a hard time settling down. When they finally did, it didn't last too long, but for good reason ;) In our discussion on the things that saturate our lives, I filled up a bunch of glasses of water and labeled them TV, movies, sports, music, friends, relationships, internet, texting, etc. Those are all good things in and of themselves, but add a little bit of dirt to it (profanity, sex outside of marriage, gossip, etc.) and it ruins the whole glass of water - you can't drink it anymore without getting sick. So after adding dirt to my glass - I asked if they were saturating themselves in dirty water - then I threw the mud water on all of the students. It took a second, but they looked at the kid with mud on him, looked at me, and in an instant were climbing over chairs and tables to get as far away from me as possible without leaving the room! IT WAS HILARIOUS! But they loved it and I really think they GOT it! In between the insanity of flying chairs and screams of laughter as muddy water covered the walls, the floors, the chairs, and the students - I saw the light go on, I saw the understanding in their eyes, and I heard the understanding late that night in conversations with students.

The next morning, one of our awesome youth leaders, Heath, led us in a devotional time. He led a discussion that caused ALL of us, not just teens, to look at the things we allow to saturate our daily lives and see what we need to filter out. He talked about things being an asset (drawing us closer to our Creator) or a liability (taking us further away from Him). Then he challenged us to go and make a list of our friends, a list of the things we do for fun, etc. and label each person or activity, ASSET or LIABILITY. It was definitely a moment in my life where God showed up, slapped me around a little bit, and brought me to my knees. I know it was that same type of moment for so many of our teenagers.

Last night - all of the students had been hopped up on sugar, pranks, excitement, and games, then we asked them to settle down for an hour - probably terrible timing, but God worked regardless of our indiscretion. We continued on in our conversation about filtering the things that saturate us with the story of David and Bathsheba. We looked at his life and asked ourselves, "If David had just filtered some of his thoughts, impulses, words and actions - what would his story look like?" So we talked about four simple questions would should ask ourselves in every situation or circumstance that will help us filter out the gunk in our lives.

1) Is this where I should be?

2) What was I thinking?

3) Who am I talking to?

4) Are my actions pleasing to God?

The reason we are supposed to behave in a certain way as followers and lovers of Christ is because of what 2 Corinthians 5:14 says "The love of Christ constrains me..." There are parameters or boundaries in love and if you step outside of those bounds, you cannot say you love anymore. Real depth and intimacy come in a relationship surrounded by parameters. In explaining this, I took out my fish I had with me for the weekend, sort of a mascot ;)... I told the students that after a long discussion with my fish, he wanted freedom outside of his little tiny bowl and the water that "held him back" - so I took him out of the bowl and set him on the table. Our students were obviously upset by this so I asked them, "If I really loved my fish, even though he wanted 'freedom' to get outside of the bowl and live his life, I would keep him in the bowl because the bowl is where the freedom is at." They got it.

The Christian life is not a bunch of dos and don'ts and just a change of behavior - it's a love relationship and IN LOVE we put up parameters so that we can go deeper and have a more intimate relationship with our Lord. You cannot love without having boundaries.

While the parents may initially HEAR all about fake poop on a student's pajamas, frozen boxer shorts, cold showers, and plugged toilets - take heart! You'll eventually SEE the late night discussion about the things of God, the ah-ha moments, the morning devotions, the middle of the night worship hour, the acts of service in love and more that our students experienced this past weekend.

Thank you God for changing my heart this weekend and thank you God for changing the hearts of 14 teenagers and 7 grownups this weekend. Let it stick! Let us follow hard after you and let us stay within the bounds of your love so that we may know you more intimately, we may love you more deeply and we may love others more fully. You are good and your love endures forever!

Health Check

So life has been a little wonky lately. I guess by wonky I just mean "not according to plan", but then it seems I have to keep relearning this lesson that life doesn't work according to MY plan over and over. You'd think I would have learned by now...

I've never been to the hospital in my life other than visiting friends or family... that is, I hadn't been for myself until this past December. I was having some crazy pains so my husband and mother drove me forty-five minutes to the nearest hospital and checked me into the emergency room only to find out two hours later that the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. So, there went $1000 we didn't have out the window.

Before the useless hospital trip, I had been struggling with weight gain and some other things, but just assumed I must be eating more food than I realized or I wasn't working out hard enough. It was actually causing me to feel really poorly about myself when I looked in the mirror. Not so much because of the weight I gained alone, but because I was beginning to think, "Man, I must be super lazy! I must eat like a horse and not know it...I can't lose this weight." After a couple years of dealing with constant fatigue, weight gain, and some other un-fun problems, I finally went to the doctor to get some answers.

Now don't think I had just been avoiding it for two years. In a strange way, it kind of snuck up on me. The weight gain wasn't overnight and for quite some time, I had been attributing it all to the way I lived. The pain - well the doctors said everything was fine and the fatigue, I was beginning to think it was all in my head. See, this health problem started small, practically non-existent, and began to slowly grow into a monster I couldn't ignore anymore.

After blood tests that came back clear, lots of tears and prayer, my doctor gave me an answer. I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. Okay so maybe that sounds like nothing to you or maybe it sounds big and scary, but it's a little in-between. Basically, I was told PCOS is a metabolic disorder that can wreak havoc on my body if I don't maintain it and I would continue to gain weight, I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, I could develop diabetes and I could end up with cancer in my uterus or ovaries.

WHOA! That sounded terrifying! Uncontrollable weight causing other health problems, inability to become pregnant, possible diabetes and/or cancer?!?!

So what was the answer? How was I supposed to maintain this sort of health problem?

Two little pills in the morning. Two little pills and I could lose the weight, become a mommy, and I wouldn't be in danger of cancer caused by PCOS. Two little pills is all. Two little pills to bring me freedom.

Well of course I went to get the prescription right away. As soon as I took that first pill, it seemed all the worries in the world melted away and I was filled with so much peace. I have only been on the medication for a little over a week, so it's full effects haven't manifested yet, but knowing that my body is getting back in working order brings so much peace.

I was thinking about this earlier this morning and it occurred to me - my physical health check revealed problems lurking within me that could potentially destroy my body, but once I knew about it, I could choose to take a simple medication that would put me back in order. If I didn't allow my doctors to perform a simple physical health check on me, then I wouldn't be able to be healed. I wouldn't even know something was wrong with me!

Most of us keep up with our physical health for the most part. We make sure we take pretty good care of our body and at the very least, if we notice something wrong, we go to the doctor to get it fixed.

Why, then, are we not as concerned with our SPIRITUAL health? If we don't allow the Word of God to perform a spiritual health check on us, how will we know if there is something lurking deep in our hearts? Sin doesn't just show up on our front doorstep and ring the doorbell. It sneaks through the back door in the middle of the night, unchecked and unnoticed. If we allow it to stay in our hearts and lives, it grows and grows with it's mind set to destroy us.

But a simple visit to the Word of God each day can help keep our hearts, minds, and lives in check with the Lord, kicking out any impurity that will destroy us and keeping us spiritually healthy.

These bodies that we care for are only temporary. They last about 75 years, but the soul within that temporary body lasts for eternity. Shouldn't we be even MORE concerned for our spiritual health?

I'm going to make sure I get a great spiritual check-up today... are you?

Bible College Syndrome

"Unfriendly people care only about themselves; they lash out at common sense." - Proverbs 18:1

So, this verse in and of itself seems like common sense, I think even to unfriendly people, but this week, I've been around a few people who would agree with this verse verbally, but disagree with their lives.

I think Bible College can do funny things to people. I love BC, don't get me wrong. I went to two different BC's because I love them so much! These awesome Christian institutions are great for training up people to be strong in their faith and the scriptures within the workplace, and for training up strong Christian leaders in the Church. BC is an amazing experience and while learning tons on the Bible, you also get the opportunity to learn tons in the area of "Life Experience".

BC can be kind of a "double whammy" if you will. Living on campus, you are given the opportunity to learn how to live in peace and unity with other believers, BUT I think it can also give you this false view of yourself... a "lofty" view sometimes. BC students are most often held to a higher standard.

As a BC student, you probably will have...

1. Curfew that during freshman year seems unbelievably early, but as you mature in age and in faith, 12am seems too late to be out carousing around the town. It is true that "Perception is reality" and as a BC student, you don't want to be perceived as walking the streets or rolling doobies and selling them to the local high school students behind the dumpster at McDonald's.

2. You will be required to attend Chapel every Thursday afternoon in the multipurpose room and ALSO be required to wear a suit and tie or a Sunday dress because God "would be ashamed" to see his precious people in anything less. Oh yeah, you can't wear flip flops.

3. No Rated R movies allowed in the dormitories. "What about 'The Passion of the Christ' though?" Yeah, not even that one. We appreciate Mel Gibson's attempt at showing us what Jesus went through, but really, did their have to be so much blood? I don't think so...

4. Guys and gals have visiting hours and there must be at least 2 members of each sex represented. Visiting hours are from 1pm-1:15pm on Wednesdays... enjoy your time!

Anyhow, these maybe a LITTLE more strict than the BC you attended (actually only 1 is embellished from my experience at BC), but this gives you an idea of how one can start to think that you are the most holy 20 year old on the face of the planet. Add up all the classes you've been taking on God's Word and BAM! You are a super Christian. Anyone who doesn't agree must be sent from the pits of hell with the purpose of discouragement!

Thank God I don't live in dorms anymore! People start to think they know everything they can know about God's Word and how to live a "godly life", but then turn around and pick up other horrible habits like making fun of the "ugly" girls on campus or talking about how horrible the guy is who got caught with porn on his computer and was kicked out of school or how your roommate is so obnoxious and always getting her feelings hurt over nothing. Our "spiritual gift" becomes criticism. We criticize how other people aren't being good enough christians or the way people look or whatever. We find a way to talk crap about other people on campus to help feed this lie that we have it all together. And we become unfriendly people who only care about ourselves and our little clan of followers who all believe the same things... they are Super Christians and everyone else sucks at being a Jesus Follower.

I say, lets stop patting ourselves on the back for knowing all about Ezekiel and start doing what Jesus came here to do... LOVE!

"By this all men will know that you are my disciples if you LOVE one another." John 13:35

Quit gossiping. Quit feeding your ego and start living LOVE on your campus.

Jesus didn't come to show he had the most knowledge of the scriptures (though he did). Jesus didn't come to show he could be the best God Follower there ever was (although he was). Jesus came to BE LOVE to a lost, hurting, dying, needy world. When he said in John 13 that he was leaving and where he was going we couldn't follow, he told us that (his disciples) that for a reason. WE ARE TO BE JESUS TO PEOPLE! WE ARE TO BE LOVE TO PEOPLE! Unconditional love.

And not just love to their face...

Love behind their back.

I was that "Super Christian" BC student until I got out into the real world. Until I was working full-time at a Church interacting with people who don't know Jesus. Who need LOVE, not judgement. Not slanted remarks when they aren't around... they need LOVE.

So grow up now. Decide you are going to let God transform you from the inside out. Quit letting your studies substitute your time with God... start living love.

Live Love to your Creator first. Spend time with him, not because it was an assignment, but out of your heart to know him better.

Live Love to your roommates. Start doing what Jesus told us to do, think of others as better than ourselves! Treat your roommate like you would treat the Son of God! Not with disrespect and hurtful words, but with respect and love and understanding. Be Jesus, not just to those who don't know him yet, but to those who do. They need Jesus too. And they NEED your LOVE.

Awesome Roadkill

As the SMTL (Student Ministry Team Leader - for all you folk who are uneducated in church staff abbreviations), when I start hearing talk of moving into a new building and the possibility of the youth getting their own building, I immediately get thinking about themes for our new youth building. I start planning out contests for designs and names submitted by students and think about what ideas of my own I'll throw into the mix...

I would ask for submissions from fellow youth pastors, but I already know the ideas I would be given...

Design Ideas

1. Coffee House Theme

Every kid in high school loves burned, weak coffee and crappy, depressing acoustic tunes right?? We could have booths (torn up and stained from the local coffee shop that just closed down due to rat infestation, but hey! They were free!), round top tables (just don't tell the elders that a local bar donated them or we'd need to pray over them because they must be "covered in sin"), and a small stage for open mic nights and poetry readings. Aren't all the high schoolers beatniks nowadays?

2. Garage Theme

Find an old gas pump, some license plates, and a garage door for the entrance and you've got a unique youth room! Problem is, every youth group in America has had a "Garage Themed" youth room since 1994. Of course, trends haven't changed that much since then, right?

3. Student Inspiration Theme

Let's give the kids 20 gallons of paint in all different colors and let them use their hands to start painting the walls! They can throw paint, finger paint, etc. Let creativity flow and give students the creative reign!

For some reason, tons of youth pastors think that this idea, once its all said and done, will create some sort of awe inspiring room filled with creativity and student ownership! However, it usually just looks like you let a bunch of 13 year olds loose with 20 gallons of paint and the only ownership in the room is the puke on the wall from Johnny after being locked in a paint fume filled room for hours...(but who could tell the difference between paint and the puke, right?)

Anyhow, I think our youth group may try to go for something a little different concerning the decor of the building. Thanks for the input (that you didn't even have to give) anyhow :)

Ideas for a name for the Building and/or Youth Group...

Here's a few...

1. eXtreme Youth

"We're eXtreme for Jesus!" - but we don't have to be xLame for Jesus...

2. Ignight

"We lost the spelling bee!" - I get that you meet in the evenings and you want to be ignited for God, but really, it just looks like your youth pastor's Bible College didn't require an english class in order to graduate.

3. Awesome Roadkill

"Every year the junior high students pick their own name... there you go."

And the "Enthusiastic Youth Pastor of the Year" award goes to... (I would like to point out that the above name and quote is an actual name and description of a junior high ministry!)

Anyhow, you may have encountered a few youth groups that share these names (excepting "Awesome Roadkill" which is actually a pretty awesome name) and may have possibly dubbed your rockin' youth group with one of these exciting names.

However, I think we may consider some other names and design ideas...

The Blink of an Eye

You think you're going to live forever. You think life isn't going to throw you a curveball that's too terrible. You think that life will end when you're ready, when you're old, on your own terms...

It doesn't. You don't live forever. Life changes direction in an instant. One moment forever alters the course your life will take and you can't go back.

INJUSTICE! we cry. UNDESERVED! we scream. They were good! They loved God! Their time wasn't up! This has to be a mistake... God, what are you doing? Don't you realize what you've allowed to happen here? How can I keep trusting you and believing you if you are going to do something so wrong?!

We've all had a conversation similar to this with God. Maybe not surrounding death, maybe relationships, maybe love, maybe work, maybe friendships, maybe family, maybe depression, maybe disease...

Tonight I heard news that woke me up inside. Someone I know in Florida lost his wife today during childbirth. She was healthy and young. They hadn't even been married 10 years and today, during one of the most joyous moments of their lives, the most terrifying tragedy occurs forever changing the direction of this man's life. Forever altering his future. Shaking him to the core. She died. His beautiful bride of 9 years died giving birth to their fourth child.

Lord, why? Matt and Kylee are missionaries. They help further your kingdom here in the states and in other countries! And they are so young! Their lives have just begun! They were doing you work and you allowed this?

Tomorrow is never guaranteed. God never promised an easy life. He never promised any number of years here on this earth. He never said, "Once you follow me, life will be perfect! All your troubles will subside and if you experience trouble, it will be easy to get through." He never said we'd be with the love of our life until we are old and gray. Yet when a tragedy like this occurs, we sit back and question God's goodness for allowing this to happen to us. As if he's broken some promise he made to us.

However, Jesus did say, "In this world, there will be trouble." (John 16:33) Jesus promised us trouble, not smooth, wide roads. He promised us trouble, BUT he promised us peace. "And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7) Jesus goes on to say in John 16, "But take heart! I have overcome the world," (vs. 33).

The devastating circumstances of the Boden family has reminded me...

1. Life is short. Blink and you'll miss it.

2. Don't take people I love for granted. We are all terminal and we're not promised any warning as to when life ends. Don't leave things unsaid.

3. God is good, regardless of the devastation we find ourselves wrapped up in. God is love, regardless of the hate we feel at times. God is the healer, regardless of the pain we suffer through. God is in control, regardless of the chaos we are lost in. God is God and I am not.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"God is God. I dethrone Him in my heart if I demand that He act in ways that satisfy my idea of justice." - Elisabeth Elliot

You are good and your love endures forever.

Lyndsay

Wedding talk...

So, the wedding is 81 days away! I can hardly believe it! :) I've got my dress, Josh has been fitted for his tux, invitations are almost ready to mail (THIS WEEK!), tables and chairs have been reserved, decorations are being bought... it's exciting :)

There's still a TON to do and I feel so behind. It's been a challenge to not get so caught up in all the stress of planning that I forget to just enjoy it all! I mean... for pete's sake! I get to marry my very best friend and we get to spend the rest of our lives together in just a couple months! What could be more exciting than that? :)

In the midst of the chaos, part of me thinks, "This is so much work...we should have just eloped!" But most of me thinks that it will all be worth it in the end and all of me knows that I want to share the celebration of our union with all the people we love :) No wonder people hire wedding planners! ;)

I'm just ready to have it all planned so Josh and I don't have to stress about caterers or shopping or table decorations or trivial things like that and we can just enjoy the days leading up to it! I'm so ready for May 29th to just get here already and to head to the sunny, carefree beaches of Cabo San Lucas with the love of my life :) Soon...

Thankful

Thanksgiving just passed and Christmas is just around the corner... tis the season :)

This year, I am more than thankful for a lot of things in my life...

1. The love of my life is near again :) Joshua moved out to Nevada in October and we are planning a wedding! Things are wonderful and my life is unbelievably better with him nearer.

2. Journey. The people of this church are a HUGE blessing and I am so thankful for all the friends and family we've made here in Fernley through this church. You guys are awesome :)

3. Kevin and Alex. I had been praying for friends and God sent us this super awesome couple that loves Him to hang out with. We have become great friends and Josh and I are WAY thankful for these guys! We love them and they are such an encouragement to us :)

4. My family. God blessed me with 2 awesome parents who love the Lord and have taught me what it means to have a relationship with Him. I also have a really great brother, Brad, who has shown me what faithfulness and loyalty are all about. I so love my family! I also have another family through Joshua. David and Lena are so wonderful and so are Josh's brothers and sister-in-law. I'm also really excited about getting TWO sisters this next year (Charles is getting married!)

There are so many things and people to be thankful for... I have a really blessed life.

Thank you God for loving me. Thank you for your promise to work everything out for the good because I love you. Thank you for the promise of eternal life through Christ. Thank you for the promise of friendship. Thank you for never leaving me and thank you for ALWAYS loving me.

You are good.

Passion

I want to be chased. Not seen as already won, but worth winning every day. It's this innate, unavoidable and insuppressible desire in which my very being can never be severed. Desire is not even a strong enough word... it is more like an excruciating pang of longing to be truly and passionately loved by one man and to yearn for only him for my entire existence. Maybe this sounds too similar to a sappy romance novel for some, but in complete honesty, God made woman this way. He made us to desire being chased and he made man to desire the chase.

The problem is, in my not-so-educated opinion, that we have been told passion is bad. Passion makes us do wrong; therefore, in our finite minds, if we eliminate passion, we eliminate sin.

Dead wrong.

God made us to be passionate beings. Not controlled by our passions, but allowing God to be the reign-holder and steer our passions. The fall of man in the garden has made us desire satisfaction of God-made passions immediately. Example 1: Passion for sex is good. God gave us a sex-drive and a desire for sex (1. as a way to procreate, 2. as a way to share our life with someone emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually, and 3. as a way to illustrate the complete oneness of the Father Son and Spirit). The problem is not that we are passionate about sex, the problem is that we are not patient. God gave us this passion and when we use that passion in the manner in which God intended, we are safe, we are completely fulfilled, and we are brought closer to Him. When we use our passion in a way that God did not intend, we are harmed (physically, spiritually, mentally, or emotionally), we are unsatisfied, and we are separated from Him.

Example 2: Passion for good food is not a bad thing at all. God gave us an unbelievable plethora of plants and animals (sorry vegans!) to explore taste. He gave us taste buds and He made incredibly tasty things and the creativity to create our OWN tasty concoctions. Not a bad thing at all! God created us to enjoy this life and live it to the full, but if we use our passion for food in a manner in which God never intended, we become unhealthy, and in turn, unhappy. If we use our passion for food in the manner in which God did intend, we are healthy people which (usually) makes us happier people and better able to enjoy this world God has created, help others around us, etc.

You see, the problem is not our passion... the problem is that we were made to have our Creator guide us, but so many of us don't let Him take the reigns in our lives and we are left to our own spiritual demise.

So, by eliminating passion in order to eliminate sin (unsuccessfully, I might add), we are denying ourselves the life that God designed for us to live. God has a beautiful, healthy, enjoyable, adventurous journey for us full of passion and love and excitement. Because of sin (and not just yours), chances are it will involve pain too.

All I'm getting at is... people, be PASSIONATE! Let yourself experience an ardent love for one another. Men, experience the chase of winning the heart of the love of your life every day. Women, passionately love and support and encourage the love of your life every day. People, fervently pursue your dreams and passions, but allow God to be the reign-holder and direct your passions, not to limit you, but to keep you from being limited! We serve a LIMITLESS God just waiting to pour out his blessings on your life! Let us not miss out on those blessings because we are not letting him direct our paths.

God is passionate for us. Let us be passionate for him.

Spiritual Gifts

1 Corinthians 14... Paul speaks to the church in Corinth about using their spiritual gifts in ways that edify the church.

I have not been given the spiritual gift of speaking in tongues. I do believe it still exists, but that isn't my gift. I have not been given the gift of prophecy. I do believe it still exists, but again that isn't my gift. However, I have met people who have been given those gifts and many of those people have taken time to understand their gift and the ways God has commanded them to be used... or not used. I so appreciate when people recognize their spiritual gifts and then remember they are to be used to glorify our Lord and not bring attention or glory or "spiritual status" to ourselves.

As Beth Moore has stated before, ALL believers are baptized in the Holy Spirit whether they speak in tongues or not. Its clear in the epistles that not all believers spoke in tongues and not all believers prophesied. BUT every believer is given a spiritual gift.

Our God is a God of order, not disorder; he is a God of clarity, not confusion.

"²⁷If anyone speaks in a tongue, two—or at the most three—should speak, one at a time, and someone must interpret. ²⁸If there is no interpreter, the speaker should keep quiet in the church and speak to himself and God.

²⁹Two or three prophets should speak, and the others should weigh carefully what is said. ³⁰And if a revelation comes to someone who is sitting down, the first speaker should stop. ³¹For you can all prophesy in turn so that everyone may be instructed and encouraged. ³²The spirits of prophets are subject to the control of prophets. ³³For God is not a God of disorder but of peace...³⁷If anybody thinks he is a prophet or spiritually gifted, let him acknowledge that what I am writing to you is the Lord's command. ³⁸If he ignores this, he himself will be ignored.

³⁹Therefore, my brothers, be eager to prophesy, and do not forbid speaking in tongues. ⁴⁰ But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way." 1 Corinthians 14:27-33, 37-40

It doesn't sit right with my spirit when I'm in a place where spiritual gifts are not being used in accordance with God's Word. Tongues and prophecy are used as a sign of the Holy Spirit and if you don't possess those gifts, then you aren't a true believer or you haven't yet been filled with the Spirit. Our God is in complete unity with the Spirit and the Son and he wants complete unity with his people. I don't believe God has his people separated into "Spirit-filled followers" and "Non-spirit-filled followers". We are ALL his children. All who claim Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior are filled with his spirit and his power. True, some believers allow themselves to experience the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives more than others, but tongues is not THE sign of being filled with the Spirit. We all have different functions in his body and each is equally important.

My only point is that when we know our spiritual gifts, as leaders in the body of Christ, we are responsible to study what God's Word has to say about these gifts and the capacity in which we can and should use them to glorify God and edify the church. As teachers and leaders in the church, we will be held accountable by God for how we lead others and what we teach others. That honestly puts the fear of God in me knowing that if I don't take time to fully understand God's Word to the best of my abilities and I mislead or mis-"teach" others, God will hold me accountable. With leadership comes great responsibility.

Lord, give me more passion each day to study and know your Word. Give me YOUR understanding and perspective. Help me not to lead anyone into a wrong understanding of your Word and surround me with those who will hold me accountable for what I say, what I teach, and how I lead. I love you Lord.

God is moving...

So I haven't blogged in quite awhile... its been a little busy! :)

Josh left a couple weeks ago. I wasn't ready for that and it kind of felt like a blow to the stomach you weren't braced for, ya know? Thankfully, God is working and moving in our relationship and making our separation less painful. He busied himself with a caribbean cruise for a week (JEALOUS) while I prepared for our first "practice" preview service. All of that is NOT to say we haven't had time to miss each other... we definitely are doing plenty of that, but the busyness is making it much harder to dwell on the fact that we are apart right now.

We had a team of HS/MS students from Colorado come out for a week to help us serve our community and wow... God is good! Those kids were awesome and God used them to forever impact peoples' lives here. It was amazing to serve and reach out to so many people who had never had anyone reach out to them by doing things as simple as handing them a bottle of free water. One of the nights, we hosted a Teen Bowling Night at the local bowling alley and had free bowling, pizza, and drinks. I was honestly expecting maybe 15 kids to show up... and that would be exciting. God likes to surpass my expectations and remind me that he is a BIG God :) We had about 40 teenagers show up! It was so awesome and to be perfectly honest, it was eye opening and heart breaking. So many of those students had not one iota of interest in God... they just didn't care. This was learned from just conversing with handfuls of them. This completely intimidates me! But as I sit here and think about how I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm encouraged by the fact that my lack of knowledge and experience gives God SO much more room to work without me getting in the way :) All the glory to Him!!

I'll keep you all posted...

Becoming,

Lyndsay

Anticipation

So today might be the most exciting moment of my life thus far... okay maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but close to it! Joshua comes into town today for a month! I haven't seen him in about a month (which is the longest we have been apart) and the anticipation of it all reminds me of how I felt right before our first date. :) Sweet memories...

A week ago I decided to start fasting for some answers. Joshua feels called to stay in Virginia for another year before moving out here and I want him to be here now... this has caused some conflicts to take place and some conversations to be had between the two of us. Seeing eye to eye was difficult. I decided to start fasting about this. I read Acts 13 and in the first paragraph it talks about the prophets and teachers of the church of Antioch praying and fasting... then the Holy Spirit spoke to them. I needed the Spirit of God to speak to me so my fast began.

Yesterday during my quiet time, I felt like God grabbed hold of my shoulders and shook some sense into me. I finally was letting him speak to me and had my fingers out of my ears long enough to hear him. It wasn't the answer I had been hoping for, but it was the answer I needed.

If I'm going to be Joshua's wife someday, I need to let him be the leader of our relationship and our future. God has given him that headship in my life and I need to support him in that and TRUST that he really is listening to the voice of God. I may not always like it, but by trusting Joshua as my future husband, I need to trust him as my leader... and that doesn't just start on our wedding day. God spoke to my heart and showed me that I wasn't letting Joshua lead. I was fighting it, kicking and screaming, crying and yelling the whole way! I wasn't trusting in Joshua... and when I realized that, it broke my heart.

I felt the need to immediately talk to him, but I knew he was at work and wouldn't be able to answer his phone, so I sent him a quick email apologizing for being such a jerk and for being so blind! I told him that I trusted him and even if I didn't like the decision he made, that I know I can trust its the right one and he'll have my support through it! I have his back and my heart is his. I'm with him through this and I won't fight him about it anymore. It was such a relief... and also such a humility check. I'm so used to leading my life, I needed to be reminded that I need a leader still.

So, tonight Joshua (who has been fasting alongside me out of love) and I will be breaking our fast together... in person. We'll be thanking God for speaking to me and for taking care of us while we enjoy the blessing of food once again :)

Please be praying for Joshua's safety as he travels today (8 hours in a plane!) and pray for our month here in Nevada together. Pray that we keep God at the center of our relationship, that we remain pure (as we will both be living in the same house with my family for this month), and that we learn to love, serve, and minister together as a team. Thanks for all of your prayers and support!

All my love,

Lyndsay

We Made It!

After the 2,518 mile trip from Ashburn, VA to Fernley, NV, my roommate Becky and I were EXHAUSTED! However, I would definitely recommend a cross-country trip to everyone! Do it sometime in your life and the younger you are, the better! It was amazing to travel through 11 states in 4 days and see all of God's creation! Every state had a beauty of its own, with Michigan's flat corn fields, to Iowa's rolling green hills, Wyoming's beautiful mountain's and Utah's salt flats. Our trip was one I'll always remember and I can't wait to make that trip again someday! It was definitely draining to drive 12-13 hours a day, but I found I could do things (like drive for 13 hours) that I never knew I could do! :)

Now that we're here in Nevada, Becky and I have been trying to adjust to the 3 hour difference. In that adjustment, waking up at 5:30 every morning has become a regular occurrence, but one we hope doesn't become the norm. :)

Looking for jobs has been quite the challenge. There seem to be tons of jobs available, but most I am not qualified for and the ones I am qualified to do, I can't seem to get. It has only been one week, I know, but I've applied for a ridiculous amount of jobs...even ones I really don't want. I just need a part-time position to help with finances so Becky and I can get out on our own. One of my prayers right now is that God would provide jobs for Becky and I, but in His timing. I'm considering the possibility that the Lord would rather me make less money and focus all my time on this ministry, but I'm not sure about that yet. Pray for God to make his plan clear for us concerning our job situation. :)

I know God is good. I know he has called both Becky and I out here to Fernley. I know he has a plan for us here in this town. I know he will provide for us and take care of us. I just don't know how yet. :) But isn't that he beauty of our God? He can always surprise us!

All My Love,

Lyndsay

One week out...

In one week, I'll be hopping in the car for the longest drive of my life...and the start of my most exciting adventure yet! There is so much to do in the next few days as I continue to prepare to move out. Painting, organizing, cleaning, giving things away, running all over town, etc... it feels a little endless. I am so excited to go, but so anxious about leaving. 

I knew moving to the other side of the country to help with a church plant would not be an easy journey, but the best things in life don't come easy. I just didn't know it would stretch me this much... and I have yet to begin! I'm not sure how I'm going to get my bills paid over the next several months and I do NOT want to go into debt. One thing I have learned is that when things seem impossible, God does his greatest work and he is most glorified! I'm just excited to see God move and provide! I will admit, I have gotten pretty stressed out about bills lately, but when I really sit down and think about it, I calm down and a peace that trancends understanding floods over my mind. I know I'm called to work with students in Fernley, NV. I know I'm following God's voice. The Lord will take care of me. He will provide. He won't abandon me as an orphan. I've been clinging to that verse, John 14:18, "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." 

God doesn't have to prove himself to me...I've already seen firsthand over and over his unfailing faithfulness to his children. I'm actually a little excited that things don't make sense right now... I'm not sure how I'm going to provide for myself, get my bills paid, find another part-time job, make friends, etc. because that gives God SO much room to work in my life and pour out his blessings! What an awesome testimony to others of God's faithfulness. :) 

Keep me in your prayers. Keep God's plan for the community of Fernley in your prayers! God's Spirit is moving! Pray that my family and I are sensitive to his spirit and his leading!

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." -Jesus