Another month, another no. We've been trying to conceive for over a year now with no luck. About seven months in, I got a little antsy and went to the doctor only to find there was a reason we weren't getting pregnant. That was frustrating, but so good to know! We were on the road to fertility and everything was looking good. Here we are 6 months later with still no child to hold. Just a hope of a dream that one day, God would choose to bless us and trust us with a life to nurture, love, and develop into a God-loving, kingdom-minded, amazing and beautiful individual. I dream of that day, but lately I've done a great job of convincing myself that our dream may only ever be just that... a dream.
I have been really angry with God. Don't misunderstand - I know God isn't torturing me. I know God can only act in love. I know that he has an amazing plan for my life, our marriage, and the life of our future children. I know his timing is best. I'm just not happy that his plan for my life doesn't look like mine... pretty childish to be upset over that, but it's the truth. I may not be the perfect Christ follower, but I'm an honest one. I have asked God for this good thing, the desire of my heart, this blessing that, as I've been told, He cannot wait to pour out on me, yet he denies me. What's up with that?
Yesterday I had a one sided conversation with Him. I told him that I trust him, but that I'm angry. I told him I didn't understand why 16 year old babies could have babies of their own, but I wasn't allowed to yet. I told him that I was mad and didn't like his idea of timing, but that I trusted it was much better than my own. I told him that I didn't understand why he wouldn't bless me, but that I would trust his decision anyway (not that he needed my approval or anything). I told him I needed relief from this weight and it didn't feel like He was lifting my burdens like He promised he would. I reminded (as if he need it) him that he allowed Moses to change his mind, and told Him I thought he should consider letting me change his mind too. I also asked him to grow my faith. I just wanted to hear something from him - anything! If my motives were wrong in wanting this baby, just let me know! If there's sin in my life, show me! If there's areas of my heart I have withheld, take them! After my ranting and raving yesterday, I didn't feel much better and I decided to settle with the idea that God may not give me the answer I want. I may not hear him right now. He may choose to be silent today, for whatever reason, and I would have to live with that.
Today was a much better day that yesterday. For some reason I had a little more peace. I didn't feel any better about getting another "not yet" from him, but I also wasn't a complete disaster today.
I started to prepare for my girls bible study tonight. I already did the reading, but decided I need to revisit our reading to really get it into my head. Funny enough - for no particular reason at all except that it has 5 chapters - I assigned James as the reading last week. God has a real sense of humor... or maybe just perfect timing and infinite knowledge.
Over and over again, James says to PERSEVERE through our trials so that our faith may grow to maturity, to HUMBLE ourselves before God, to SUBMIT to him (our sins, our hopes, our dreams, our desires), and to PRAY PRAY PRAY for if I do those things THEN pray, my prayers will be powerful and effective because I will be considered righteous in the eyes of God according to His Word!
God listened yesterday and then answered me today. He's giving me just what I asked for - a faith that grows. He just asks me to let go of my pride, submit to his will for me, and pray - ask him for my heart's desire. Man, I needed this today. I was on the doorstep of giving up and letting go. I didn't think I could handle one more month of disappointment and I was ready to give up on trying all together when God swooped in and gave me some relief! THANK YOU LORD! THANK YOU LORD! YOU ARE GOOD AND YOUR LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS ENDURE FOREVER!
So if you feel like I do, just remember - perseverance produces maturity in our faith, humble yourself before God, submit your life to His ways, and PRAY PRAY PRAY for the prayers of the righteous are POWERFUL AND EFFECTIVE! God is faithful to answer our prayers. He will give us the desires of our heart in accordance to His will and His time. I am not the center of God's universe... Lord, forgive me for thinking that. Give me the discipline to make you the center of my universe.
Your mercies are new each day - thank you Lord! Make my heart steadfast in chasing hard after you!
-Lyndsay
"If you're going through hell, keep going..." Sir Winston Churchill
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