2012 has been the darkest night of my soul. God has been so silent. Our world has been shaken and yet God has not revealed himself. I think the question I've asked most this year is, "Where are you Lord?" However, I'm learning that sometimes, God is doing his greatest work in us when he seems furthest away. I think that's because if we could see how God was working, we would want to step in and make changes or we'd run ahead of him, thinking we know where he's headed. We are such control freaks. I think that's why God sometimes shuts off the lights, closes the doors, and quits speaking so that he can do his work and we can stay out of the way.
This year alone, we've dealt with death, life, infertility, pregnancy, a new career, the loss of two jobs, unsteady paychecks, loss of our health insurance at 5 months pregnant, being homesick for the east coast... just to name a few. This year has been unbelievable and terrifying to say the least. This year, I have asked more times than I can count, "Where are you, Lord?" God has been silent.
Last week, we found out the company who writes our paychecks and manages our health insurance dropped us. I have yet to get paid on this pay period. Our rent is due. I'm 5 months pregnant without health insurance. We took a deep breath and were resolved on not worrying and just waiting on God. After all, Josh had his job and he was getting paid that weekend - we could cover half of our rent on time and have a little bit of cash to get some groceries to tide us over. We also had a family vacation over the weekend in Savannah, Georgia that wasn't costing us a dime. At least, for the weekend, we'd get a break from stress. We came home Monday after a very fun and busy weekend with the family only to hear the next morning that Josh lost his job. We had barely been surviving on both of our incomes and the rug had suddenly been pulled from under our feet. Every security blanket in our life - my steady income, our second income, health insurance - had all been taken from us within a matter of 5 days.
Our first instinct was that God had orchestrated all of these events to run us out of town and we could move back to the east coast where life had been much more comfortable for us. However, something in my spirit just didn't feel released from our ministry here. I was so angry and frustrated with the Lord on Tuesday. How could He allow this to happen at this time? What was He trying to pull here? Why wouldn't He just let us leave? WHY ARE YOU SO SILENT, LORD?! Josh and I decided yesterday, when our world came crashing down around us, that we needed to get out of our situation. We needed to get out of town for the evening, get away from the distractions of bills, phones, hurt, fear, and questions and take time to seek God. We needed to get out of our own perspective and gain a God's eye view on our situation. We packed a bag and with help from a godsend, we went to Sacramento for the night.
It was a two and a half hour drive and most of the drive was dead silent except for the radio giving us background noise. My head was swimming and I'm sure Josh's was too. Silence and a few quiet tears filled our car. I noticed that every single song that came on over the radio for those two and a half hours had to do with storms in our lives, trusting God when it's hard, not giving up or running away. The car was silent, but God's voice was so loud I could hardly bear it. This was not the answer I had been hoping for. Living an "easy" Christian life sounds so good to me. We could move to a city where we felt more at home, we could go to church on Sundays and serve every now and again but not give every ounce of our lives to it, we could be good people and start living the life we've been dreaming about. I want THAT life. I want THAT story. I want THAT path.
That is not our life. That is not our story. That is not our path.
It breaks my heart to accept that the dreams I have for our life together may never come to pass. It breaks my heart to accept that God may never allow me to sit and rest. It breaks my heart that I can't just settle for a comfortable life.
As we sat in our hotel room last night, we resolved that while we don't understand everything, we aren't sure if this is a spiritual attack or God's orchestration, we know one thing. We know that God is speaking and we need to listen.
Josh and I have allowed ourselves to become so bogged down by our troubles, by our circumstances, that we have been very unhappy lately. We've begun to equate our unhappiness with our physical location instead of seeing that it was a state of mind. Our focus had shifted from the calling and ministry God had set before us here in Fernley, Nevada to our own wants and our own desires - even our own needs. Because of this, we have become unhappy, discontent, verging on the edge of bitter and complacent. Therefore, we haven't been allowing God to use us which is really the source of our discontentment.
We are here until God says move. And we need to not just physically be here, going through the motions, but our hearts need to be here, our minds need to be here, our passions need to be here, our love needs to be here. God has not called our bodies to this physical location. He has called our hearts, our souls, our minds, and our strengths to this town and we have forsaken that calling.
For this, I am ashamed. I am sorry, Lord.
We asked the Lord to instill in us a new heart, a new passion, a new love for Fernley. We asked the Lord to give us new eyes to see the lost and hurting here. We asked for a new mindset and a new fervent desire to be here. We don't want to "wait it out" until God allows us to leave. We want to be 100% in love with God's calling - the good, the bad, the ugly, the painful, the scary. We want our hearts to break over the thought of leaving Fernley when God calls us to move on.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up. Galatians 6:9
Please join us in prayer. Prayer for God's direction and will in our lives. We don't want to pray for what we think is the best solution, we just want to pray for God to place our feet and guide our steps. We know He will take care of us... His eyes is on the sparrow.
Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart be lonely
And long for heaven and home
When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is he
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me
Lord, let our hearts burn for you. Let us not grow tired of doing the good you have called us to. Give us a new strength, a new mind, a new heart, and a new love for this city. Give us your eyes to see the harvest and a resolve to persevere to the end. Our lives are yours and we are sorry for ever thinking differently. Our selfish ambition is not from you, God we rebuke that and take on a new path, a new road, a new goal, a new ambition - to please you and you alone. May the desires of your heart for our lives become the desires of our hearts. Wreck us, Lord. Let your will be done. More of you and less of us, Jesus.
4 comments:
You are such a blessing to me, my sister. You see with such clarity the view from the perspective of our Master. And you share it with such visceral expression. Thank you. I'm going to go and pray and weep for a while now. Perhaps I will gain some clarity too. :)
God brought us here for a purpose and I believe we are on the cusp of that purpose...the enemy knows this and is fighting hard against this so that we will be discouraged and move back east. I truly believe that if we could only see the heavenlies we would see the angels fighting satans minions over this city. God is getting ready to take this city and we have to hang on and wait on the Lord. If God is for us, who can be against us!!
Love you more than you will ever know!!!
Wow... I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. But WOW your words expressed so much what we have been feeling and the perspective that I had not fully come to yet! I have too been restless and wanting to go back "home". Thank you for your words they are as if God is speaking directly to me through you :)
I am praying for you guys!
My mind and heart hurt for you and I am praying for you. From an elderly perspective, I can assuredly, absolutely promise you that your Father's promises are true. I pray that you are able to fully rest in His arms, even in your pain and despair, it's the best place to be. Because your Father knows your heart, only He knows how to round out your life fully and in His timing. Think about it, you are His.
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