Dark Night of My Soul

This year has been one big roller coaster of emotions for my husband and I. God has been giving and taking away and until recently, I haven't had a clue what He's doing. I've been dealing with lots of frustration toward the Lord. I know that God is not a God of confusion, but I was starting to wonder if that was true about his character anymore.

2012 has been the darkest night of my soul. God has been so silent. Our world has been shaken and yet God has not revealed himself. I think the question I've asked most this year is, "Where are you Lord?" However, I'm learning that sometimes, God is doing his greatest work in us when he seems furthest away. I think that's because if we could see how God was working, we would want to step in and make changes or we'd run ahead of him, thinking we know where he's headed. We are such control freaks. I think that's why God sometimes shuts off the lights, closes the doors, and quits speaking so that he can do his work and we can stay out of the way.

This year alone, we've dealt with death, life, infertility, pregnancy, a new career, the loss of two jobs, unsteady paychecks, loss of our health insurance at 5 months pregnant, being homesick for the east coast... just to name a few. This year has been unbelievable and terrifying to say the least. This year, I have asked more times than I can count, "Where are you, Lord?" God has been silent.

Last week, we found out the company who writes our paychecks and manages our health insurance dropped us. I have yet to get paid on this pay period. Our rent is due. I'm 5 months pregnant without health insurance. We took a deep breath and were resolved on not worrying and just waiting on God. After all, Josh had his job and he was getting paid that weekend - we could cover half of our rent on time and have a little bit of cash to get some groceries to tide us over. We also had a family vacation over the weekend in Savannah, Georgia that wasn't costing us a dime. At least, for the weekend, we'd get a break from stress. We came home Monday after a very fun and busy weekend with the family only to hear the next morning that Josh lost his job. We had barely been surviving on both of our incomes and the rug had suddenly been pulled from under our feet. Every security blanket in our life -  my steady income, our second income, health insurance - had all been taken from us within a matter of 5 days.

Our first instinct was that God had orchestrated all of these events to run us out of town and we could move back to the east coast where life had been much more comfortable for us. However, something in my spirit just didn't feel released from our ministry here. I was so angry and frustrated with the Lord on Tuesday. How could He allow this to happen at this time? What was He trying to pull here? Why wouldn't He just let us leave? WHY ARE YOU SO SILENT, LORD?! Josh and I decided yesterday, when our world came crashing down around us, that we needed to get out of our situation. We needed to get out of town for the evening, get away from the distractions of bills, phones, hurt, fear, and questions and take time to seek God. We needed to get out of our own perspective and gain a God's eye view on our situation. We packed a bag and with help from a godsend, we went to Sacramento for the night.

It was a two and a half hour drive and most of the drive was dead silent except for the radio giving us background noise. My head was swimming and I'm sure Josh's was too. Silence and a few quiet tears filled our car. I noticed that every single song that came on over the radio for those two and a half hours had to do with storms in our lives, trusting God when it's hard, not giving up or running away. The car was silent, but God's voice was so loud I could hardly bear it. This was not the answer I had been hoping for. Living an "easy" Christian life sounds so good to me. We could move to a city where we felt more at home, we could go to church on Sundays and serve every now and again but not give every ounce of our lives to it, we could be good people and start living the life we've been dreaming about. I want THAT life. I want THAT story. I want THAT path.

That is not our life. That is not our story. That is not our path.


It breaks my heart to accept that the dreams I have for our life together may never come to pass. It breaks my heart to accept that God may never allow me to sit and rest. It breaks my heart that I can't just settle for a comfortable life.

As we sat in our hotel room last night, we resolved that while we don't understand everything, we aren't sure if this is a spiritual attack or God's orchestration, we know one thing. We know that God is speaking and we need to listen.

Josh and I have allowed ourselves to become so bogged down by our troubles, by our circumstances, that we have been very unhappy lately. We've begun to equate our unhappiness with our physical location instead of seeing that it was a state of mind. Our focus had shifted from the calling and ministry God had set before us here in Fernley, Nevada to our own wants and our own desires - even our own needs. Because of this, we have become unhappy, discontent, verging on the edge of bitter and complacent. Therefore, we haven't been allowing God to use us which is really the source of our discontentment.

We are here until God says move. And we need to not just physically be here, going through the motions, but our hearts need to be here, our minds need to be here, our passions need to be here, our love needs to be here. God has not called our bodies to this physical location. He has called our hearts, our souls, our minds, and our strengths to this town and we have forsaken that calling.

For this, I am ashamed. I am sorry, Lord.

We asked the Lord to instill in us a new heart, a new passion, a new love for Fernley. We asked the Lord to give us new eyes to see the lost and hurting here. We asked for a new mindset and a new fervent desire to be here. We don't want to "wait it out" until God allows us to leave. We want to be 100% in love with God's calling - the good, the bad, the ugly, the painful, the scary. We want our hearts to break over the thought of leaving Fernley when God calls us to move on.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

Do not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up. Galatians 6:9

We will not run and we will not entertain the thought of living a different life anymore.

Please join us in prayer. Prayer for God's direction and will in our lives. We don't want to pray for what we think is the best solution, we just want to pray for God to place our feet and guide our steps. We know He will take care of us... His eyes is on the sparrow.

Why should I feel discouraged 
Why should the shadows come 
Why should my heart be lonely 
And long for heaven and home 

When Jesus is my portion 
A constant friend is he 
His eye is on the sparrow 
And I know he watches me 
His eye is on the sparrow 
And I know he watches me 

Lord, let our hearts burn for you. Let us not grow tired of doing the good you have called us to. Give us a new strength, a new mind, a new heart, and a new love for this city. Give us your eyes to see the harvest and a resolve to persevere to the end. Our lives are yours and we are sorry for ever thinking differently. Our selfish ambition is not from you, God we rebuke that and take on a new path, a new road, a new goal, a new ambition - to please you and you alone. May the desires of your heart for our lives become the desires of our hearts. Wreck us, Lord. Let your will be done. More of you and less of us, Jesus.

Why I'm not watching Magic Mike...

So practically every woman I know has been talking about going to see Magic Mike, a movie about male strippers, one in particular "Mike", trying to make his way in life, only to find real love. I have to say, the entire premise of this movie makes me sick to my stomach. Not because a man finds himself leaving a lifestyle of imitation love for the real thing, but because the imitation love is glorified.

Why is it considered wrong for Christian men to ogle women they aren't married to and/or engage in pornographic material, yet so many Christian women think it's okay to if they do it through "harmless fun" like Magic Mike? Talk about a double standard. We can make a number of excuses for this like, "It doesn't affect me that way" or "I can look and still be faithful". Maybe you aren't married so "looking" doesn't seem like a problem at all, but I think even if you don't have a husband to be faithful to, you have a God to be faithful to and obey.

Maybe you don't think movies like Magic Mike are true pornography. Maybe that sounds a little harsh. Here's the definition of pornography...

"printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings."

I'm pretty sure that definition could also be plot description of Magic Mike.

Let me tell you ladies, I can't honestly say that God would be so proud with my decision to go see a movie that revels in revealing men mostly or completely naked engaging in acts of promiscuity, whether I think it affects me or not.

Whatever happened to "flee from sexual immorality"? How does that not apply to entertainment like Magic Mike? As Christian women, most of us wouldn't be caught dead inside a male strip club. How is this different? We're watching the same thing, just in a cinema instead of a smokey room.

I want to be faithful to my husband, not just in my actions, but in my thoughts. I expect my husband to take delight in my body alone - I choose to take delight in his body alone. Movies like this are definitely tools of the enemy. They seem like no big deal, just some innocent fun looking at a few hot guys in a movie for 2 hours, but engaging in this kind of entertainment can inflict damage on our relationship with the Lord, our relationship with our children, our relationship with our husband or our future husband.

It affects our relationship with God because sin drives a wedge between us and God. We are commanded to flee from sexual immorality (any kind of sex outside the boundaries of marriage).

It affects our relationship with our children because the example they see from their mother is that men are an object to lust after and as a Christian, that's okay. Little boys hear messages that women are to be cherished yet see that men are to be objectified and little girls are SEEING the message that it's okay to use men for pleasure.

It affects our relationship with our husband or future husband because we made a promise to take delight in him alone, to forsake all other men, yet we send him the message that we find other men more sexually attractive than him, that he is not enough to meet our needs.

Christian women... let's stand up for what's right in God's eyes together. Let's put our families first together. Let's protect our marriages together. Let's not watch Magic Mike together.

God has some style...

I haven't written anything in a couple months - think I should probably update everyone.

I just re-read my last blog entry and cried a little. It's so powerful to remind myself of all the good God has brought out of this unfortunate situation. I almost can't believe it! I hope as you read this post today, you will feel encouraged that God DOES care about you, your life, and how you live it. God IS faithful to answer our prayers, even if it's not what we want to hear. God WILL keep his promises and give you the desires of your heart in accordance to His will and time. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn, but I think I'm starting to get it.

Over a year. Over a year, Josh and I have been trying to start a family and for over a year, we have had no after no after no. It's hard to understand, and possibly it's an overreaction, but each month we received a no felt like the death of a child that could have been. Each month has been a complete roller coaster and each month has been filled with heartbreak, crushed dreams, and grieving. Lots of grieving.

I have to tell you, I don't understand WHY God works the way He does, but do I really need to? Just because I don't understand how exactly a car works, well, it still works whether I understand exactly how or not. I think God is the same way. Just because we don't fully understand God and how he operates, doesn't mean he isn't working in our lives. And let me tell you, God really likes to do things with style.

March 8th came and I almost forgot about it. How I almost forgot about the day we would find out if we were expecting the love of our life to be on the way, I don't know, but I almost forgot about it. I unwrapped the pregnancy test and did my thing. I waiting the standard 3 minutes, not daring to look until it was ready, only to find another no. I convinced myself that since my period had not yet arrived, this test could be giving me a false-negative. I resolved to try again in the morning (which was a painstakingly LONG time away).

It hurt tremendously. I was heartbroken. Another month, another no and more silence. My parents were supposedly hearing "soon" from the Lord and that just ticked me off. If he had something to say about this situation, he COULD say it to me! I suppose it didn't really dawn on my that my ears weren't open to hear Him at the time.

This month, the grieving was a shorter process. I went to my doctor and she decided to put me on a diabetes medication called metformin to help with my blood sugar along with the clomid I was already on. It seemed to be working. The metformin helped me lose 15 pounds along with swimming everyday. I was starting to feel better - then they upped my meds. After a week of being miserably sick, I called my nurse and said, "Look - it's kind of hard to get in the mood to make a baby when I can't keep anything down. Can we make an adjustment or a change to help with this?" Thankfully, they cut my meds back to a lower dosage and I felt much better. I was a little worried I wouldn't get pregnant if they remained this low, but I wasn't going to get pregnant if I stayed on them at that level either! Needless to say, I was a little discouraged.

*This next section may be a little too much information and I've debated whether or not to share it. Skip it if you'd rather, but I think this is such an important part of the story - a huge glimpse into the power of God, I'd risk a little embarrassment to let his power shine.*

The weekend came and I was ovulating so it was time! Unfortunately, our weekend was so packed, I was worried we wouldn't have any time to take advantage of the situation. We made time on Saturday and the ideal plan was to "make time" the next two days following. However, life would not allow it.

I received a call Sunday morning that my mom was taking her little puppy, Clair, to the emergency vet. She was unbelievably sick. I didn't think too much about it, just thought they'd fix her up and bring her home that afternoon, so I went ahead and went to church, then ran home to change before going we left for family dinner with mom (dad was in Israel). While I was at home, I received a call from the vet. Apparently, I was the emergency contact for Clair. The nurse told me the doctors took Clair into surgery and now were taking extreme measures to keep her alive. She was crashing on the table and they wanted to know whether or not to keep trying. I told them to keep that dog alive until they talked to my mother. Josh and I hopped in the car, called my mom's best friend, and we all met her at her house. She was a complete wreck. Clair, not even 2 years old yet, died. It was such a disaster! My dad wasn't even in the country or in this hemisphere! I spent the rest of the evening with my mom and by the time I got home, we were so completely exhausted and heartbroken we went straight to bed. No time to "make time".

The next morning I got up and took another ovulation test to see if we still had a shot at making this baby - it was a no go. I only ovulated 48 hours. We missed our window! Yeah we had ONE chance at it, but I knew that even if you have sex as much as possible during ovulation and surrounding ovulation, you still only have a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant that month? And that is for perfectly FERTILE men and women! So what were our chances? Slim to none.

*END OF TMI SECTION*

Disappointed, but dealing with it, I resolved that this month just wouldn't be our month. It wasn't going to happen for us this month. I mean scientifically speaking, we had such a small percentage of a chance of conceiving it almost wasn't even worth spending the $15 on a test. So, when testing day (April 8th) rolled around, I wasn't going to.

April 7th came - the night before Easter - and I decided late that night that I needed a pregnancy test for the in morning. I wasn't going to waste the money, I didn't have the regular "symptoms of pregnancy" that I convince myself existed each month, but I wanted to test. I knew the answer, not sure why I was planning on torturing myself, but I would sit there and wonder if I didn't just take the test.

6:00 AM came all too quickly. I crawled out of bed and made my way back to the bathroom. I unwrapped a test while I was still mostly asleep and used it. This time, I decided to watch the test instead of wait the 3 minutes. They tell you not to because before the 3 minutes are up, there's usually only 1 line (not pregnant) and they don't want you to get discouraged and throw it away before it processes fully. Before I could even set the test on the side of the tub, my eyes started deceiving me. I SWEAR I saw 2 lines! Faded, but they were definitely there! Then those puppies turned the hottest shade of pink - BOTH of them!! I couldn't believe it! I stood up and immediately collapsed to my knees, bursting into tears! My heart was singing and the only words that would come out of my mouth for the next hour were, "THANK YOU LORD! THANK YOU LORD! THANK YOU LORD!" The tears would not stop! My mouth could not be silenced! My heart was leaping out of my chest! I took my shower and went in to wake my husband with the test. We spent the next 10 minutes embracing with tears streaming down our faces! God has heard our prayers! God has given us the desire of our heart! God WILL keep his promises!

The verse that wouldn't leave my head that day was Psalm 113:9, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!"

On Resurrection Sunday, God resurrected our hopes, our dreams, and my body! You can't tell me the guy doesn't have some style!

I have to encourage those who are struggling to get pregnant - the wait doesn't seem so long when it's over. I know it hurts now, I know it feels like an eternity, but just hold on, my friend. Just hold on to the One who is enough. Even if your answer doesn't look the same as mine, He is enough! I truly believe that the reason we struggled for so long to have a child is because God needed me to BELIEVE, not just know that HE is all I need. I thought I believed that before, but now I see. Hang on, my friend. Just hang on.

YOU ARE GOOD! Even if we are not. YOU ARE FAITHFUL! Even if we abandon you. YOU ARE ENOUGH! Even if we don't see it. YOU ARE WORKING! Even if we don't understand it. YOU ARE LOVE! Even if we can't feel it. YOU ARE PEACE! Even if we don't accept it. YOU ARE LORD! And let us remember that.

Prayer is a funny thing...

God is a funny guy... just when you think He's ignoring you, He sends a message that leaves you facedown on the floor. Here's my story...

Another month, another no. We've been trying to conceive for over a year now with no luck. About seven months in, I got a little antsy and went to the doctor only to find there was a reason we weren't getting pregnant. That was frustrating, but so good to know! We were on the road to fertility and everything was looking good. Here we are 6 months later with still no child to hold. Just a hope of a dream that one day, God would choose to bless us and trust us with a life to nurture, love, and develop into a God-loving, kingdom-minded, amazing and beautiful individual. I dream of that day, but lately I've done a great job of convincing myself that our dream may only ever be just that... a dream. 

I have been really angry with God. Don't misunderstand - I know God isn't torturing me. I know God can only act in love. I know that he has an amazing plan for my life, our marriage, and the life of our future children. I know his timing is best. I'm just not happy that his plan for my life doesn't look like mine... pretty childish to be upset over that, but it's the truth. I may not be the perfect Christ follower, but I'm an honest one. I have asked God for this good thing, the desire of my heart, this blessing that, as I've been told, He cannot wait to pour out on me, yet he denies me. What's up with that? 

Yesterday I had a one sided conversation with Him. I told him that I trust him, but that I'm angry. I told him I didn't understand why 16 year old babies could have babies of their own, but I wasn't allowed to yet. I told him that I was mad and didn't like his idea of timing, but that I trusted it was much better than my own. I told him that I didn't understand why he wouldn't bless me, but that I would trust his decision anyway (not that he needed my approval or anything). I told him I needed relief from this weight and it didn't feel like He was lifting my burdens like He promised he would. I reminded (as if he need it) him that he allowed Moses to change his mind, and told Him I thought he should consider letting me change his mind too. I also asked him to grow my faith. I just wanted to hear something from him - anything! If my motives were wrong in wanting this baby, just let me know! If there's sin in my life, show me! If there's areas of my heart I have withheld, take them! After my ranting and raving yesterday, I didn't feel much better and I decided to settle with the idea that God may not give me the answer I want. I may not hear him right now. He may choose to be silent today, for whatever reason, and I would have to live with that. 

Today was a much better day that yesterday. For some reason I had a little more peace. I didn't feel any better about getting another "not yet" from him, but I also wasn't a complete disaster today. 

I started to prepare for my girls bible study tonight. I already did the reading, but decided I need to revisit our reading to really get it into my head. Funny enough - for no particular reason at all except that it has 5 chapters - I assigned James as the reading last week. God has a real sense of humor... or maybe just perfect timing and infinite knowledge. 

Over and over again, James says to PERSEVERE through our trials so that our faith may grow to maturity, to HUMBLE ourselves before God, to SUBMIT to him (our sins, our hopes, our dreams, our desires), and to PRAY PRAY PRAY for if I do those things THEN pray, my prayers will be powerful and effective because I will be considered righteous in the eyes of God according to His Word! 

God listened yesterday and then answered me today. He's giving me just what I asked for - a faith that grows. He just asks me to let go of my pride, submit to his will for me, and pray - ask him for my heart's desire. Man, I needed this today. I was on the doorstep of giving up and letting go. I didn't think I could handle one more month of disappointment and I was ready to give up on trying all together when God swooped in and gave me some relief! THANK YOU LORD! THANK YOU LORD! YOU ARE GOOD AND YOUR LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS ENDURE FOREVER!

So if you feel like I do, just remember - perseverance produces maturity in our faith, humble yourself before God, submit your life to His ways, and PRAY PRAY PRAY for the prayers of the righteous are POWERFUL AND EFFECTIVE! God is faithful to answer our prayers. He will give us the desires of our heart in accordance to His will and His time. I am not the center of God's universe... Lord, forgive me for thinking that. Give me the discipline to make you the center of my universe. 

Your mercies are new each day - thank you Lord! Make my heart steadfast in chasing hard after you!

-Lyndsay

"If you're going through hell, keep going..." Sir Winston Churchill