God has some style...

I haven't written anything in a couple months - think I should probably update everyone.

I just re-read my last blog entry and cried a little. It's so powerful to remind myself of all the good God has brought out of this unfortunate situation. I almost can't believe it! I hope as you read this post today, you will feel encouraged that God DOES care about you, your life, and how you live it. God IS faithful to answer our prayers, even if it's not what we want to hear. God WILL keep his promises and give you the desires of your heart in accordance to His will and time. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn, but I think I'm starting to get it.

Over a year. Over a year, Josh and I have been trying to start a family and for over a year, we have had no after no after no. It's hard to understand, and possibly it's an overreaction, but each month we received a no felt like the death of a child that could have been. Each month has been a complete roller coaster and each month has been filled with heartbreak, crushed dreams, and grieving. Lots of grieving.

I have to tell you, I don't understand WHY God works the way He does, but do I really need to? Just because I don't understand how exactly a car works, well, it still works whether I understand exactly how or not. I think God is the same way. Just because we don't fully understand God and how he operates, doesn't mean he isn't working in our lives. And let me tell you, God really likes to do things with style.

March 8th came and I almost forgot about it. How I almost forgot about the day we would find out if we were expecting the love of our life to be on the way, I don't know, but I almost forgot about it. I unwrapped the pregnancy test and did my thing. I waiting the standard 3 minutes, not daring to look until it was ready, only to find another no. I convinced myself that since my period had not yet arrived, this test could be giving me a false-negative. I resolved to try again in the morning (which was a painstakingly LONG time away).

It hurt tremendously. I was heartbroken. Another month, another no and more silence. My parents were supposedly hearing "soon" from the Lord and that just ticked me off. If he had something to say about this situation, he COULD say it to me! I suppose it didn't really dawn on my that my ears weren't open to hear Him at the time.

This month, the grieving was a shorter process. I went to my doctor and she decided to put me on a diabetes medication called metformin to help with my blood sugar along with the clomid I was already on. It seemed to be working. The metformin helped me lose 15 pounds along with swimming everyday. I was starting to feel better - then they upped my meds. After a week of being miserably sick, I called my nurse and said, "Look - it's kind of hard to get in the mood to make a baby when I can't keep anything down. Can we make an adjustment or a change to help with this?" Thankfully, they cut my meds back to a lower dosage and I felt much better. I was a little worried I wouldn't get pregnant if they remained this low, but I wasn't going to get pregnant if I stayed on them at that level either! Needless to say, I was a little discouraged.

*This next section may be a little too much information and I've debated whether or not to share it. Skip it if you'd rather, but I think this is such an important part of the story - a huge glimpse into the power of God, I'd risk a little embarrassment to let his power shine.*

The weekend came and I was ovulating so it was time! Unfortunately, our weekend was so packed, I was worried we wouldn't have any time to take advantage of the situation. We made time on Saturday and the ideal plan was to "make time" the next two days following. However, life would not allow it.

I received a call Sunday morning that my mom was taking her little puppy, Clair, to the emergency vet. She was unbelievably sick. I didn't think too much about it, just thought they'd fix her up and bring her home that afternoon, so I went ahead and went to church, then ran home to change before going we left for family dinner with mom (dad was in Israel). While I was at home, I received a call from the vet. Apparently, I was the emergency contact for Clair. The nurse told me the doctors took Clair into surgery and now were taking extreme measures to keep her alive. She was crashing on the table and they wanted to know whether or not to keep trying. I told them to keep that dog alive until they talked to my mother. Josh and I hopped in the car, called my mom's best friend, and we all met her at her house. She was a complete wreck. Clair, not even 2 years old yet, died. It was such a disaster! My dad wasn't even in the country or in this hemisphere! I spent the rest of the evening with my mom and by the time I got home, we were so completely exhausted and heartbroken we went straight to bed. No time to "make time".

The next morning I got up and took another ovulation test to see if we still had a shot at making this baby - it was a no go. I only ovulated 48 hours. We missed our window! Yeah we had ONE chance at it, but I knew that even if you have sex as much as possible during ovulation and surrounding ovulation, you still only have a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant that month? And that is for perfectly FERTILE men and women! So what were our chances? Slim to none.

*END OF TMI SECTION*

Disappointed, but dealing with it, I resolved that this month just wouldn't be our month. It wasn't going to happen for us this month. I mean scientifically speaking, we had such a small percentage of a chance of conceiving it almost wasn't even worth spending the $15 on a test. So, when testing day (April 8th) rolled around, I wasn't going to.

April 7th came - the night before Easter - and I decided late that night that I needed a pregnancy test for the in morning. I wasn't going to waste the money, I didn't have the regular "symptoms of pregnancy" that I convince myself existed each month, but I wanted to test. I knew the answer, not sure why I was planning on torturing myself, but I would sit there and wonder if I didn't just take the test.

6:00 AM came all too quickly. I crawled out of bed and made my way back to the bathroom. I unwrapped a test while I was still mostly asleep and used it. This time, I decided to watch the test instead of wait the 3 minutes. They tell you not to because before the 3 minutes are up, there's usually only 1 line (not pregnant) and they don't want you to get discouraged and throw it away before it processes fully. Before I could even set the test on the side of the tub, my eyes started deceiving me. I SWEAR I saw 2 lines! Faded, but they were definitely there! Then those puppies turned the hottest shade of pink - BOTH of them!! I couldn't believe it! I stood up and immediately collapsed to my knees, bursting into tears! My heart was singing and the only words that would come out of my mouth for the next hour were, "THANK YOU LORD! THANK YOU LORD! THANK YOU LORD!" The tears would not stop! My mouth could not be silenced! My heart was leaping out of my chest! I took my shower and went in to wake my husband with the test. We spent the next 10 minutes embracing with tears streaming down our faces! God has heard our prayers! God has given us the desire of our heart! God WILL keep his promises!

The verse that wouldn't leave my head that day was Psalm 113:9, "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!"

On Resurrection Sunday, God resurrected our hopes, our dreams, and my body! You can't tell me the guy doesn't have some style!

I have to encourage those who are struggling to get pregnant - the wait doesn't seem so long when it's over. I know it hurts now, I know it feels like an eternity, but just hold on, my friend. Just hold on to the One who is enough. Even if your answer doesn't look the same as mine, He is enough! I truly believe that the reason we struggled for so long to have a child is because God needed me to BELIEVE, not just know that HE is all I need. I thought I believed that before, but now I see. Hang on, my friend. Just hang on.

YOU ARE GOOD! Even if we are not. YOU ARE FAITHFUL! Even if we abandon you. YOU ARE ENOUGH! Even if we don't see it. YOU ARE WORKING! Even if we don't understand it. YOU ARE LOVE! Even if we can't feel it. YOU ARE PEACE! Even if we don't accept it. YOU ARE LORD! And let us remember that.